Missin' You Like Crazy

I have been trying to write this post for two weeks. Two weeks! I have gotten on here to write, and nothing has come to me. It is hard to think of what to write, and I didn’t want to put it off any longer because Blake has been gone for two weeks. My other half. My darling, darling boyfriend. I am so proud of him. He has been doing so well in the MTC so far. I’ve been doing great for these two weeks. I love writing him letters and sending him stuff, and I love when I hear from him. I’ve gotten two letters so far.

I thought that when he left I would be a wreck, and I would never get dressed and would just cry at the thought of him, but this has not been the case. I cried when he got set apart as a missionary, I cried when we were saying goodbye, I cried for a little bit the next day when he told me he loved me right before entering the MTC, but other than that I just get teary eyed every once in awhile. I know what you are thinking, I am a heartless girlfriend! But I can honestly say I have been waiting for this time for so long that I am so happy that this is finally starting. I’m excited Blake gets to go on a mission, something he has been preparing for his whole life! We made it and are worthy to both be out in the mission fields, so to me it isn’t a sad thing, but it is so very exciting that we have made it this far. Yes, I miss him, to the point where I feel numb, but I am so happy that we are doing such good for ourselves and for our relationship.

I don’t wanna sound like I’m faking positivity and that my life is so hunky-dory all the time, and I feel like everyone who asks me if I’m okay with Blake being gone judge me for saying I’m actually fine and I hardly have cried think I’m a crazy person or something. For these past two (long loooong looooooooong) weeks I have been living my life, hanging out with Lauren and Ashley, working a lot, and studying the scriptures. To me these have helped me stay busy and distracted from the fact that I can’t hang out with Blake every spare second of my life, which I have been doing for the past two years. I can’t really describe how I feel. I’m happy that he is doing the work of the Lord, but I also feel, I don’t know, kind of numb. That is all I can describe it. I have been waiting for the water works to come. I have been waiting for me to feel pain and emotion from him leaving for two years. I feel bad that I am not like this, and that maybe something is wrong with me. I feel like everyone expects that of me and I don’t know why I’m not doing what any normal girl would do, which is cry all the time about this.

I have tried to cry. I look at pictures, and read my journals, and go places we used to go, and listen to sappy love songs about people missing people and eat ice cream. It just hasn’t worked for me. None of that made me cry like I feel like I needed to do. Maybe the fact that he is gone hadn’t sunk in yet. That is, until today.

Last night, I had a dream about Blake. It was a very simple dream. I dreamed that we were shopping at the Smiths grocery store, which is what we always would do all the time. Just walk around Smiths and buy random things. That is all my dream was. Just of me and him on a normal day. It woke me up at four in the morning and I sat in my bed thinking how nice that dream was, and then it hit me. Blake’s gone. I said that over and over in my head. Blake is gone. Then I finally got the tears and sobbing and crying and snot and shaking and all these emotions that I’ve bottled up for so long out of my system. I cried for what seemed like hours. It just hurt my heart that I couldn’t even call Blake and have him tell me everything was going to be okay. I just needed him to hold me.

I eventually fell back asleep on my tearstained pillow from exhaustion from my sobbing. Then when I woke up again this morning I remembered what happened and tears came again. Not as bad, but they came. All day I would get teary eyed thinking about Blake. But I am glad that happened. I’m glad I got that out of my system. I honestly felt bad for not crying so much when Blake left. Now I can say that I have, and that it has finally occurred to me that no kisses, or snuggles, or phone calls, or sweet nothings, or Blake for two loooong years. But, you know what they say… the longer the wait, the sweeter the kiss. 

Old News.

   So, Last year, on March 7, 2012, Blake got his old mission call! And THIS March 7th, I got my very own mission call! I just thought that was a very cool observation. Let me go back and tell the story better.
In the last General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the prophet Thomas S. Monson announced to the world that they would change the missionary age for young men from nineteen to eighteen! Big shocker there! And then another huge change was the young women missionary age was from age twenty one to age nineteen! I was at the conference center when the announcement was made and it was amazing to here the thousands of gasps from the congregation. It was amazing and I am glad I was apart of that. I should note that ALL worthy young men are commanded to go on a mission, and young women may choose to go or not to go.
   Immediately after conference I got a billion texts. Okay, that is an exaggeration, but I got so many texts from my dad and mom and brothers and friends and Blake's parents all telling me to go on a mission! Because I can now! I was like "haha yeah, I'll think about it!" and stuff. It was never part of my plans.
   For weeks I got a million comments that I need to go on a mission. Talk about pressure on the girls now to go! I hated everyone telling me to go. I just graduated cosmetology and I need to start my career and I had all these awesome plans for when Blake was gone to make time go by faster. I had a life! I wasn't against going on a mission, but I definitively didn't think it was for me.
   Eventually millions of friends that are girls on facebook started posting things like, "Just started my mission papers!" "My papers are in! Guess where I'll go!" "I got my call!" "I'm called to serve in..... ". I started getting bitter and thinking things like, "They haven't even given this HUGE decision ANY thought at ALL! Just because they changed the mission age doesn't mean that it is right for you to go!" (Sorry to any of my friends with mission calls, I don't mean to be rude, but that is just what I thought then, I'm sure you've prayed about it.) I told everyone I wasn't going on a mission. I didn't even pray about it.
   Then one Saturday night I pulled out my old journals and was reading them and laughing about what a nutcase I am. Then I read this entry from 2009 (I can't find it right now for some reason or I'd write it word for word). It said something like this:  "I just got back from church and I felt the spirit so strong. Danielle Cox just came back from her mission to Virginia, and she is so amazing, her testimony has touched my heart. I want to be just like her. I would love to go on a mission."
   "Huh", I thought to myself. "If I had those feelings back then to go on a mission, maybe I should pray about this and see if that was a prompting."
  Then I prayed and prayed so hard that night. I needed to know if I should go on a mission. I prayed a lot. I remember feeling nothing, no miraculous feelings or even crying. I didn't feel any emotions at all. So I thought I had my answer. A mission just wasn't for me I guessed. I felt kind of relieved because I really didn't want to go that much. Missions just sound scary to me. I was okay with my answer. I didn't have to go. God had some other purpose for me.
  The very next day was Sunday. I walked into my single's ward and sat by my friend, Kiana. They started the meeting and guess who the speakers were? The sister missionaries! My heart leaped a little bit. The first sister got up and was speaking about how awesome missions are. I wasn't really listening to the words really, but my heart was pounding and this feeling was overwhelming me. I was holding back tears. I was thinking, "What is wrong with me? What is happening?" I tried to concentrate but I was just so excited and emotional and I was nervous. Was this the answer to my prayers the previous night? Is this what I'm supposed to do? I can't even describe what I was feeling to the fullest. It was the most wonderful and the most nerve wracking feeling.
   The second sister missionary got up and spoke. One of the first things she said was, "If you are thinking about going on a mission, JUST GO!" I couldn't contain myself after that. I told Kiana I had to go to the bathroom and hurried out of there. The tears were coming and my emotions were crazy. I felt so wonderful and at peace and so excited and nervous, all in one emotion. I knew what I had to do. I just knew it. Somewhere, someone needed me. Needed me to help them find the gospel that I so dearly love and know. How could I deny them of that?
   I didn't know what to do with my new found life plans. Who do I tell? How do I get started? I don't even have money, how will I pay? I don't know the first thing about missions! Am I going crazy? My brain was exploding with questions and thoughts all through Sunday school and relief society. I couldn't wait for church to be over so I could tell my mom and dad!
   It was snowy that day, and I got home from church first. I started shoveling the driveway as I waited for my parents to arrive. That wait was agonizing. I wanted to tell them RIGHT when I got the impression to go. They came home and I hurried them into their room and closed the door and told them I needed to tell them something.
   I could see their brains working a million miles per minute. Was there something wrong with me and Blake? Did we mess up? What could she need to tell us?
   "I have prayed and gotten my answer that I need to go on a mission," I told them.
   They were so happy. I was so happy. They hugged me and we all teared up. They told me they will help me and they have. I immediately called to make an appointment with my bishop.

                                        Long story short.... I got my mission call!!!!

I am called to serve in the England London Mission! I report to the England MTC on June 27th!

I am so excited for this. I cannot wait until June! I am also very scared. Scared out of my mind. But other people have done it, so so can I! I thank Heavenly Father for blessing me with this opportunity to share the gospel along with my best friend Blake. We will do great things as we are apart for two years. We will be apart, but growing together. I truly believe this is what is supposed to happen in my life. I cannot wait to go serve the English people!